could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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