my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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