Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
