If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
