After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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