mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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