Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
