I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
