2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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