Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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