dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
