why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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