Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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