Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
