Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
