remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
