How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
