I wish my penis had an off switch
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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