His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
