I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
