If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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