I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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