bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Let's get the cat blown out
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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