Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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