If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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