My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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