I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
