Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
