this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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