Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
