No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
