I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
