I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
