I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
