The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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