Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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