you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
