I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
