Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
