Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
