Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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