I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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