My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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