I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
