i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
