I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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