i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
