so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
