I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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