apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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