I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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