I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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