Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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