if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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