my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
