I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I deserve this hangover.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
