Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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