ya dads aren't the best wingmen
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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